So yesterday morning I noticed that my knees were hurting while I was running on the treadmill.  I thought, immediately, “That probably doesn’t happen to Nicole Kidman or Naomi Watts … or even Russell Crowe … or that Crocodile Dundee guy.  Why me?” 

Anyway, it’s not such a big surprise that my knees might hurt … given that I’m about 15 pounds heavier than I ought to be, and maybe 30 pounds heavier than I’d LIKE to be.  So I rashly decided that I would start a fast.  I was going to blog about it yesterday morning, and even got a paragraph into the post, when I realized that that really wasn’t something I wanted to do rashly (and if rashly, certainly not right before the Superbowl and all those snacks)!

Why is it so difficult for me to be moderate?  That’s what this brings up for me.  Why swing from overindulging to fasting … and back again?  Extreme?  You bet!  I was listening to an interesting story on NHPR (that’s New Hampshire Public Radio … my demographic and proud of it) on Monday night.  It was a feed from BBC radio, and was a story about the current craze for detoxing.  Apparently I am not out of step with popular culture, in terms of wanting to ingest whatever I want to, and then deal with the consequences in some very structured/extreme (and hopefully quick) way, later.

I guess it’s called having your cake and eating it too.  And I guess I’d actually like to be a little less cliched and a little more adult at this stage of my life than that.  🙂

The less-than-adult parts of me want immediate gratification – and are really quite horribly impatient with the slow, steady work that has half a chance of actually getting me somewhere.  I want immediate gratification when I have a Hershey bar in my hand; and I also want immediate gratification when it’s almost time to put on a bathing suit.  Eat the candy NOW — and lose the weight FAST afterwards.  That’s the basic theory.  Oh, and did I also mention that the theory doesn’t work?

It’s no accident that the middle way is the revered path in so many spiritual traditions.  In part I’m guessing that has to do with the wisdom of the path – and in part, perhaps, its difficulty.  Balance is seen as something to strive for, and it seems to grant entry to ever deepening spiritual truths and layers of self-knowledge.  In no tradition that I have ever read about is impulsivity celebrated, nor is instant gratification sanctified.  There must be a reason for that!

So, rather than starting a fast yesterday (truthfully, it was the thought of no coffee and the headaches that would ensue that quickly put the kibosh on the idea) I tried to eat more moderately.  I lucked out a little bit, because I had a lot of meetings yesterday, so there were some good chunks of time when I actually COULDN’T eat.  I also successfully avoided what has become my habitual afternoon visit to our snack bar … where I will often impulsively buy two candy bars (at $.50 apiece, who could pass up the deal?). 

Unfortunately, as soon as I got home I downed several pretzels with some peanut butter, entirely thoughtlessly.  That’s what I’ll typically do.  Hold the line over a long span of time, and then without even realizing it, blow it all out of the water.  Ka Boom!  But at least I caught myself right afterwards.  Noticing is, after all, the first step. 

I did some work at the computer, went downstairs and watched a bit of the Florida Primary returns, rode the stationary bike for about 25 minutes, and then went into the kitchen and ate about three of those little miniature Mr. Goodbar’s.  Oops!  Clearly I am not safe wandering around on my own!  So, for safety’s sake, I headed to my room after that and crawled into bed with my book.  Moderation.  Hmmmmmmm!