Memo to The Red States (From the Blue States)

This morning a friend sent me this excellent “memo” that has been making the rounds on the Internet. You’ll have to check it out!

Dear Red States,

We’re ticked off at the way you’ve treated California , and we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii ,Oregon, Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Nancy Pelosi. You get Sarah Palin.
We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get WalMart.
We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard.
You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America ‘s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all tele-evangelists,Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that shit weed they grow in Mexico .

Sincerely,

Blue States

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4 Responses to Memo to The Red States (From the Blue States)

  1. Pingback: Wednesday Weirdness … and some Soccer, of Course | JordanCornblog

  2. The manic button? Uh oh … πŸ˜‰

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  3. C. Griffis says:

    Bring it on. Texas will kick your asses economically just like they are today!

    Texas has the second largest economy in the US only to the now bankrupt Californication. Tex has a 1.2 TRILLION dollar GDP. Texas export 150 BILLION every year but Texas onl has 23 million people compared to California. Texas has more fortyne 500 companies than ANY state…even New York.

    The reason Cal is bankrupt an Tex is not? DUH! The idiots in Caliornia have had solcialized medicine for years. And they provide eveyone even illegal aliens with healthcare. In Texas people are FREE to be responsible for themselves. And as such they are not raping the producers to redistribute the wealth to the parasites of our culture.

    The Republic of the United States was healthy up until about 75 years ago when Congress discovered they could tax the producers and leverage thos funds to buy the votes of the freedloaders. Now the fiscal chcikens are coming home to roost and the progressive statists that created this monster problem (socilaist security and medicare/medicaid) are now hitting the manic button.

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  4. Mister Natural says:

    Yeeee Haaaawwww! You have laid this concept out with precision and clarity. I cannot thank you enough. I have been saying in blogs and message boards over and over, that it is time for the irreoncilable differences between the blue and red factions of the United States to be resolved in the only possible way: Dividing the country up into political entities that are harmonious within themselves. Otherwise, we will continue in this awful, nauseous, endless logjam of nothing getting done in the US Congress for the benefit of our citizens. Fine. If the Red States don’t want health care reform, let them go die bankrupt under a cardboard box somewhere. That does not mean that Blue States should have to endure the same fate at the hands of the greedy health insurance companies. Blue State people do not want to go around invading countries for no good reason. We don’t want to demonize people from different cultures, such as Arabs and Muslims, just because they are different and a small percentage of these populations do not like the USA [or is it really, they don’t like the Red State mentality?]. Blue States want to catch up with the rest of the civilized world on issues like addressing Global Warming, advancing universal education, blah blah blah. We don’t want to be held back by ignoramuses like Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and all the other Red State troglodytes. It’s time to get these dumb, regressive jackasses off our backs. Let them go off and start their own backward countries. Texas’ governor is opening in favor of seceding from the USA to become its own country. All the tea baggers and rednecks can go there and get out of our hair. Tod Palin has been involved in an Alaska secssion movement… let them go and become their own country. Any state that would elect Sarah Palin as governor has to be as dumb as a box of rocks. Hawaii has a Sovereignty movement that wants to give back to the Hawaiian people political ownership of their own Kingdom. Let them go [and I will happily move there as a Kama’aina]. Lastly, who am I to say this? I am just liberal Progressive who is frustrated by the lies and hate that has blocked such legislation as unversal health care reform. I am sick to death of the Republican tactics, such as stealing two elections in 2000, and 2004; and the Swift Boat tactics of spreading lies in the media. I am mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take it any more. I am the direct descendant, also, of one of the “Founding Fathers.” In fact this man was the Virginian who proposed to the Continental Congress that the Declaration of Independence be written. If this man were alive today, I believe he would propose a new Declaration of Independence… Independence from the undemocratic rule of the Republican Party. When this party holds majority power in Congress and the White House, they go around wrecking everything for the American people, for the benefit of the 1% of those who own most of the wealth. So far as they are concerned, the rest of us can eat cat food and live in an old trailer. It is time to break out from this imprisonment at the hands of a section of society that does not give a damn about us, “the little people.” Let the Right Wing go have their own country, where the poorly educated are the marching soldiers for the Upper Class which does not care about these Tea Partying minion’s concerns. Liberate this country now… Red States, go secede and have your gun orgies, bring back slavery if you want. Get out of our way. We want to move on to a better world, and maybe what we do will ultimately save your ignorant butt crack rear ends.

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