So, it arrived earlier than expected and now comes the part where I need to start using it.
How will that go?
What will I write?
I am intimidated by the bullet journal, wanting it to be somehow perfect, rather than making it my own and letting it be messy, exploratory, experimental.
Why constrain myself?
What am I afraid of?
It’s an interesting quandary. I feel frozen, afraid, tied in knots. The words are strong, and the feelings are a bit smaller than that, but the resistance is undeniable.
And see how nice the two books look with the pen? They’re not so daunting, posing there like that. They look like they have all manner of cool stuff inside, don’t they?
I joke about the pen, but, as HollyCornblog pointed out, I have always loved fountain pens. I turned away from them, and toward computers, starting about 30 years ago, and something happened. I think that’s where I started losing touch with the flow.
Trying to find my way back, I’ve tried the practice of just writing without editing. No stopping. No going back and making changes. No formatting. Just keep going and see where it takes you. And doing that I can feel how scary it is for me to be untethered – unconstrained. I am careful to a fault. So careful that I go back and check after each sentence, practically.
But the thing is, I’ve been doing that on the computer. Clicking away, eyes on the keyboard, plowing ahead and making no changes.
So, this morning I tried a bit of writing. Not on the computer, just quietly, on a page in my bullet journal, with my wonderful new yellow pen. Writing like I used to, back in the days when HollyCornblog remembers my love of fountain pens.
And I can tell you that it truly did feel different. What I especially noticed were the sounds. Small sounds that accentuated the quiet and brought me back to myself.
Just the sound of the pen on the paper, and of my hand as it moved across the page. These placed me in the moment, clearly and quietly. And if there was any doubt, the slow, steady sound of my breathing underscored the fact — “I am here.” And with that, I see how this connection of hand, pen, paper, and breath is my path to flow.
And I’m excited about that. Not getting ahead of myself, as I often do. Taking it step-by-step, and letting it flow.