Some time ago I pulled an Angel Card and netted Forgiveness. Really? Must I? If you’re a reader of this blog, you’ll know that’s something I’ve struggled with.
But carrying resentment is a weight. And forgiveness isn’t about something being okay – it’s really about letting go. But letting go of what?
It’s blame, somehow. Blame coupled with the constantly accessible escapism of victim status.
My blaming my mother for the impact she had on me doesn’t really get me anywhere past stuck. I keep trying to get rid of the weight of it by attempting to force her to pick it up. But she obviously won’t (having been dead these many years). And in the absence of her taking its weight, I force myself to keep carrying it.
Forgiveness doesn’t deny the impact she had on me. In fact, I think it may make it easier to explore, because there’s nothing transactional going on. This isn’t a matter of mathematics and trying to balance an equation. No, it’s about feelings and choices and what’s mine and what isn’t. The impact she had on me is mine. Why or how she chose to do what she did – that’s hers and is entirely separate from me.
So, forgiveness is powerfully self-referenced and powerfully validating of my experience. In letting go of my tight grip on the past, something new actually becomes possible in the future. I untangle my heart.
When I forgive I choose to sever a certain kind of relationship that has kept me tied to experiences and emotions of my past for 65 + years. Forgiveness allows me to stop holding my history (and myself) out to my mother — such a sad offering! She was never someone who was going to own her stuff. And that actually doesn’t even matter. My task is to let go of any expectation I’d held. It ain’t gonna happen.
And now I see that my truth is my truth, and it isn’t necessary to cling to anger for that to be so. The reality of my felt experience is not undermined by forgiveness. In fact, forgiveness simply frees up time and energy so that I can explore even more and move into something new.
THAT is exciting!