Stepping Into Something New

Some time ago I pulled an Angel Card and netted Forgiveness. Really? Must I? If you’re a reader of this blog, you’ll know that’s something I’ve struggled with.

But carrying resentment is a weight. And forgiveness isn’t about something being okay – it’s really about letting go. But letting go of what?

It’s blame, somehow. Blame coupled with the constantly accessible escapism of victim status.

My blaming my mother for the impact she had on me doesn’t really get me anywhere past stuck. I keep trying to get rid of the weight of it by attempting to force her to pick it up. But she obviously won’t (having been dead these many years). And in the absence of her taking its weight, I force myself to keep carrying it.

Forgiveness doesn’t deny the impact she had on me. In fact, I think it may make it easier to explore, because there’s nothing transactional going on. This isn’t a matter of mathematics and trying to balance an equation. No, it’s about feelings and choices and what’s mine and what isn’t. The impact she had on me is mine. Why or how she chose to do what she did – that’s hers and is entirely separate from me.

So, forgiveness is powerfully self-referenced and powerfully validating of my experience. In letting go of my tight grip on the past, something new actually becomes possible in the future. I untangle my heart.

When I forgive I choose to sever a certain kind of relationship that has kept me tied to experiences and emotions of my past for 65 + years. Forgiveness allows me to stop holding my history (and myself) out to my mother — such a sad offering! She was never someone who was going to own her stuff. And that actually doesn’t even matter. My task is to let go of any expectation I’d held. It ain’t gonna happen.

And now I see that my truth is my truth, and it isn’t necessary to cling to anger for that to be so. The reality of my felt experience is not undermined by forgiveness. In fact, forgiveness simply frees up time and energy so that I can explore even more and move into something new.

THAT is exciting!

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8 Responses to Stepping Into Something New

  1. Katie says:

    Radical acceptance is a powerful thing. There’s absolutely nothing we can do to go back and change our childhood or how we carried it throughout our lives. But we can choose our posture for each breath as it comes. One breath at a time.

    Maybe “untangle” could be your word for you 2023! That could be a really interesting and powerful mantra for you.

    I hope you have a great Thanksgiving week, Jordy!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. orthodoxmom3 says:

    Untangle my heart- beautifully put. May God bless you on your journey of forgiveness!

    Like

  3. Alice Nye says:

    What a moving image– “I untangle my heart.” Just reading it led me to breathe more easily and fully. Kudos to you for being able to effect that. I mean a tangled heart evokes choking and wheezing at best; and that sure doesn’t leave a lot of room for movement of mind, body or emotion. Still, what I continue to grapple with is “how” to lessen the immobilizing grip of personal resentments , eg, “how” to “untangle my heart.” I’ve had the rare experience to have been able to access compassion composed of enough truth and emotional power to loosen the hold and allow some space for change. But I don’t know the combination to access this at will. I wish I did.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. S Vance says:

    So true! To new beginnings!

    Liked by 1 person

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