This just blew me away when I saw it on the web yesterday.  Among the many things that there are under the sun, revirgination or revirginization had never crossed my mind as a possibility.  I’m all for every day being a new day and making new beginnings and all … but reborn virgins?  

And this is not all that new, as cultural phenomena go.  Check out this article (circa 2005) from The Wall Street Journal.  Where have I been?  (Clearly spending too much time watching NHIAA Tournament games, and celebrating the likes of C. Vivian Stringer, huh?)  Apparently there’s a whole world of theological and medical madness out there, just waiting to be explored!

But seriously, my friends (think of John McCain’s timbre and tone, just for fun) don’t we have anything better to do?  And just what century, exactly, are we living in?  My friends, I am sputtering and nearly speechless.  Yet in the midst of this roiling maelstrom of sputtering speechlessness, I have learned something I certainly didn’t know before yesterday.  Something important.  Something telling.  I have learned that when it comes to hymens, Fundamentalists, be they of the Roman Catholic, Christian Evangelical, or Muslim variety, definitely prefer them intact.  This is very good to know, my friends. 

And the other thing that’s good to know (with sincere apologies to John Milton) is that paradise lost can, apparently, be regained.  It may set you back a pretty penny, but hey, we’re talking paradise here!  Here’s some info from Beliefnet on how to become a virgin again. 

According to Fr. Ronald Rolheiser at Beliefnet, “Virginity means more than sexual inexperience. It also means a childlike heart that, once lost, can be found anew.”  So it’s not just about sex.  It’s about sex and a childlike heart.  Thank you, Father … I feel much better.  And may I say how brave you are to stand up boldly, as a priest in the year 2008, and use words like sexual and childlike in the same sentence.  May I say, my friend, that that takes balls?  (I guess I just did.)

And just to keep the record absolutely straight, here’s a treatise expounding and clarifying the irrefutable fact that Mary (the mother of all virgins) has never required revirgination or revirginization or whatever you choose to call it.  As you will see if you click that link, there is just TONS of evidence about her hymen and its condition!

In this swaggering-yet-fear-riddled culture of ours, where viagra, revirgination and abstinence are comfortable conceptual bedfellows … it’s no wonder that a strong, smart woman like Hillary Clinton is going to be feared, mocked and ultimately reviled … and a dolt like Dubya is still respected by some obscene number of people.  (Any number over 2, my friends, would be obscene … the two being Dubya himself, and his quite possibly revirginated mother.)  Sweet Jesus!