So it’s November 23, 2010 and I’m home again after a really nice visit with HollyCornblog and CharlieHopbrew (and an extra special visit from my Kindle buddy … a.k.a. wannabes), as well as a brief span of quiet time up at the Lake. Since getting home I’ve been thinking a lot about that tennis ball at the bottom of the boat slide.
When I first saw the tennis ball bobbing around in the icy water, I immediately thought of Willie, and immediately missed his presence.
However, what I missed entirely was what I feel now (having been helped to this realization by the comments of others).
That tennis ball wasn’t just a reminder of Willie’s presence – it was a visit from Willie.
How ever energy works in this universe, I don’t think it disappears with death – but it is transformed – maybe even freed. So what I really can feel now is that Willie’s energy somehow managed to help that tennis ball find its way to the bottom of the boat slide – and to bring me to a place where I intersected with it.
And what I feel sad about is that I wasn’t in a space, right then, to recognize and greet that presence. Instead, I was simply missing Willie. The two things feel so different to me.
So I send my greetings now – and I have a feeling that that Willie energy, wherever it is, will be able to know that and accept it. Thanks for your visit Willie! Thanks for offering your greeting … I hear it/see it now!
As a sort of counterpoint to that warmth and positivity, I am also reminded, today, of the darkness and chaos of my beginnings. Certain anniversaries bring that to mind unbidden, and I can almost feel ambushed by it. Resentful. That’s how I felt today as I sat quietly, expecting … I dunno … peaceful and edifying thoughts … something along those lines.
It’s difficult to welcome that energy when it comes to me. That said, though, I know that dipping into the difficult things always brings me to a deeper and richer place in my life. Those things are there, whether I dip into them or not. And the more I look at the dark and unpredictable and even dangerous characters like Malcolm and Grindad and Mom who imposed their toxicity on my days and nights – the more I can free myself from that sludge and venom … and stop repeating the things in my own life that I found most troublesome in theirs.
So this day, I celebrate sweet Willie and I celebrate the fact that I survived and that I can continue to learn and grow. I celebrate with gratitude and with open eyes.