JordanCornblog

They said there was a
Golden Time when things were good.
In truth, there was not.

My mother was an actress. (Not a famous one, but we knew that she could/should have been…another story for another time…)

Anyway, when I was new to the world, it appeared that she offered something wonderful and just out of reach.

I knew I didn’t quite have it, but needed to believe it was there.

And that was the family myth — that it had been there but was lost.

A golden time.

My habit was to
Clutch what I thought I needed.
Never really did.




I have occasionally behaved as if a relationship could provide something vital to me. With the exception of my earliest years, that was never true. But believing that has led me to hold on way too long to connections that weren’t healthy for me while simultaneously missing the ones that were.

I don’t need to be
An old soul (or a new one).
Just be me and breathe.




I came to consciousness in a home where grandiosity (though absolutely unrealized) held all the shine. And now I notice that I want to be an old soul. There is no end to this letting go…

There is no quick way
Through. These are the lessons
I need. Keep going.


I always relied on flashes of insight to get through. And they meant something, to be sure. They were on the right track. But the insights couldn’t take root. Roots need tending…need repetition. Practice. And rote learning was never my forte.

Now I am learning to accept that practice is what brings change. It’s not so much about insights (although they still energize me) but about the repetitive work of recognizing and letting go of old habits…and introducing new ones.

I have chosen each
And every lesson that comes
My way every day.

I’m fully taking this in the more I realize that my Karma is mine. I chose the family I was born into. I am experiencing and learning exactly what is necessary.

So no more whining or complaining! The lessons are perfectly calibrated to give me just what I need right now.

Remember how it
Was? All of life singular —
Bright colors glowing.

This exercise of
Burning up karmic seeds is
Almost joyful now.

The word karma has been of growing importance as I mull this process. There are millions of seeds scattered across the ground that is under my feet, and they are the karma that is mine to work with in this lifetime.

The things that hook me going all the way back to the beginning of this life of mine, aren’t really personal. In some ways, part of the pain is the fact that none of it is or was ever personal. But that’s because a part of me wants to be important enough to have been acted against.

Ultimately, though, it’s far more helpful for me to think of everything that comes my way as a vehicle for the karmic lessons that I need to learn. Every bit of shenpa is simply a seed to be burned. And each seed burned means one less seed scattered on the ground under my feet, waiting to sprout.

I wonder if I am just making this up or if Pema would agree with the small learnings that are sparking inside of me…

I am rewriting
My history as I see
More and more of it.

History isn’t static or objective. Witness this country and the repressed parts of our collective past that come to light when we are brave enough to look (and include more than what the dominant voices taught).

So much evolves as we explore inside and become incrementally better at managing feelings that once felt unmanageable. “Facts” often aren’t facts but rather necessary fictions that served at the time.

It’s likely I will never arrive at actual facts—if, indeed, they exist and my human eye can discern them. But I am happy to keep chipping away at the fictions that no longer serve.